Why Women Stay in Unhappy Relationships

Healing and Empowerment Series

Part 5:
Choice
Talking of choices, we make them every day. Sometimes we are not even aware that we are making choices and some are good, yet others are harmful to us. Nevertheless, life is about choices and there is freedom in making choices that chart the course of our lives. Imagine you are in a maze, going round and round in circles and not finding the exit. Every choice you make will lead you somewhere, either a dead end or closer to the exit. This is how we were created, with a free will to choose amongst many available options. The blueprint or template of our lives has many possibilities built into it and life is not one straight and narrow path from birth to death. Otherwise, that would have been a waste of time and energy on the creator’s path.

Also, each life has a purpose, a mission that it has to accomplish and after navigating and overcoming all the obstacles, we all go back to spirit. Some will have won and others lost the game but the end result is the same, we all die but in different states of accomplishment.
So the choices we make in our everyday existence impact the quality of life we lead and effectively the end result. They determine whether we have a happy ride or a sad one. With those choices, we have the power to decide what makes us really happy, what is counterfeit and what does not give us any joy at all. This kind of knowledge we have individually and it is in this area that we have to choose wisely. There is a saying, “One man’s meat, is another man’s poison” and I think it holds true here, what makes me happy might be the very thing that gives you agony and vice versa.

​ So choices may not be copied effectively, hence they are called “individual choices”.

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 I have observed that many women stay in unhappy relationships by choice and this baffles the mind. However, it requires the individual to explain the reasons which can be divine in nature and may also be linked to their mission in life. Perhaps they feel that they have a mission to fulfil within the marriage. Yet others may choose to stay because they have realized that it is a futile exercise to expect a partner, who is another human being to make them happy. They have realized that happiness comes from within when they are at peace. Thus they remove all obligations for their happiness from their partner and make it their full responsibility, thus freeing the other person to navigate their life as they see fit. It is a very big task carrying responsibility for someone else’s happiness, let alone your own. So by taking responsibility this way, a woman can find the true source of her happiness which may not conform to societal norms or expectation. This opens up the heart to love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.

I have also found this to be true in many elderly couples who have been married for two decades and more. After having unsuccessfully tried everything that the book says, they finally find wisdom in setting their partner free. They are still married but they live separate lives, each one pursuing what makes them happy but still standing together as a family unit when required. I used to be amused by how each time my grandmother would travel alone from her rural home to the city, leaving grandfather behind. She would tell us grandfather was too busy to come or was not interested in making the trip. Then a week later, grandfather would arrive from the rural areas and at that time grandmother would be making her trip back. However, each one would speak well of the other and not complain. Such was their life for years until grandfather passed away. Some years later I challenged grandmother to explain what really transpired in her marriage and she had very wise words to share. She told me that earlier in their marriage, it was a difficult relationship between two free-spirited persons trying to conform to the traditional marriage. The marriage could have broken down but grandmother chose to stay and work at it, until they both found a formula that worked for them.

​So choices are very difficult to interpret as there is no one size that fits all.  As long as the choices are being made consciously, then I personally think there is no harm to the chooser and yet the observer may think it is outrageous.